We all know that bobbing the knob isn't the most exciting thing for women to do with their lives, but it doesn't have to suck. You do. But the job itself doesn't have to.

Now, I only give blow jobs to men I love. It’s reserved for those who have earned the precious right to stick their junk in my dribble... well except for that one guy, but we won’t talk about that.

It's too bad this is not a skill I can put on a resume.

Cure your Crusty Lips

Days before the “big” event, exfoliate your lips and slap some chapstick on them. The family jewels deserves to be kissed by soft, supple lips. You don't want that skin flake to pierce through the man meat adding a little iron to your protein shake. We are talking the most prized possession of any man here.

In addition, you don't want to tear your lips and think about all the germs you are allowing into your blood stream. Blow jobs are meant to mix cream with water, not blood. Don't play Moses in Egypt. Balm those lips.

You know I’m being quasi-facetious. Well if you didn’t, now you do. Pretty much this whole post is that way.

Get Your Slobber Right and Reduce the Nasty Taste

Instead of using mouthwash after, use it before as well. I read somewhere in something like Cosmo back in 1995 that if you use mouthwash before munching on the man-meat, it enhances it for the man. So, of course after reading something that absurd, I had to try it out. Yeah it's so much better.

Supposedly the astringenty nature of it brings the blood forward, and we all know that is one location where more blood, the merrier.

You also want to your slobber to be slick, not sticky, and you don’t want it to smell because you have to re-lick your own lick. I mean one of the most vomit-inducing features of a blow job is licking cold slobber, especially if it tastes like garlic. This helps reduce that effect. It makes it taste better for you because your mouth is already numb and all you can taste is minty mintness.

Don't put it directly on the dick unless you want to watch it shrivel up and fall off painfully. Just swish. In YOUR mouth. Rinse.

Try Not to Throw Up on his Dick

Too much deep throating, for even the best of whores, can lead to uncontrollable vomiting. It's a fear we all have. I've known someone who actually experienced it after 2 cases of beer. In essence, we are gagging ourselves with a dick instead of a finger.

A lot of people seem to think the only thing to do in a BJ is deep throat, and that's so not the case. The men want that, but if that's all you do, they won't want it as much because...
We all want what we can't have
The Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility: The first Oreo cookie tastes awesome, but by the time you ate the whole bag, you're kind of sick of them.

Make deep throating the main event, not the whole show. Every circus's main event last about 10% of the whole show; the rest are side shows. This will also reduce cheek cramps and jaw locks.

They say relaxing the throat is the secret to deep throating, but the truth is you want to relax your tongue. If you struggle with this, try coating your tongue with some Teething Gel or Canker Sore Goop.

Deep Advice
"I like kneeling over him (a lot of people don’t, but I find it helps with his curve) while he plays with my hair, grabs my boobs or whatever. Then, go as far down as you can without gagging (even if it’s just the tiniest bit), and just stop there. Swallow a bit, breathe and just get used to the sensation. When you feel comfortable and your throat is relaxed, try a little further. Don’t push too quickly, just breathe in and ease down. Try moving your head to find the angle of least resistance to the bottom of your throat, as that will likely trigger your gag reflex. I find that pushing the head of the penis against the back of your throat whilst breathing in had the most success. Just keep doing this every couple of times you guys have sex, and slowly you should get used to it." From Thought Catalog

Grab Life by the Balls... with your tongue

You want to lick those things dangling underneath the pork sword because it's the root of the nectar; unfortunately, it's hot as hell down there, thereby, the sweatiest part of a man's body. And more often than not, it's also hairy trapping germs and nasties preserving it for later.

It helps to do this in the shower or right after he showers. Even bonus if you wash them for him, not because he'll enjoy the ride, but because you want to make sure it's super clean because men suck at cleaning things.



It helps me to think of these when licking hairy bollockses... It's like zen stress relief for the tongue.

Only the Best Swallow, so Chase it Down

Is The cum too salty? No problem. This is my most diabolical, mastermind, ingenious idea ever. Have you ever done body shots? This is like that, but the men provide the salt.

Yes ladies, when he comes at all in your mouth and you feel that bitter taste, chase that bitch down with some tequila and a lime.

Keep the Faith

If the sight of a penis makes your stomach gurgle a bit because they do look like mushrooms… Remember this…

We walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

Believe it or not, that's actually kind of true. The Bible doesn't lie except about the whole creation in 7 day thing (give or take a few billion years) and Leviticus (fuck Leviticus), but the real honest thing about a blow job is that we do it for love or attention.

"There are several different reasons why women give men blow jobs, but not one of those reasons has anything to do with how much they enjoy extended blocks of time having their head repeatedly pushed into your crotch, lips going numb and jaw popping and clicking harder than if they just drank a twelve pack of Red Bull and then snorted a gram of blow, as they try to keep their teeth from gnawing on your tender flesh and refrain from making phlegmy gagging noises each time you plug up their narrow airway with your meat popsicle." Nicole Knepper

There’s more to a BJ than sucking a man’s beaver-bashing ego. Yes, there’s more physical stuff that should occur, like some foreplay, but there’s also the emotional stuff that goes on. You are bonding on a deeper level than a discussion about fireflies and soup. It’s also often a result of the emotional bonds that take place outside of the bedroom.

To me, it’s a savage thing. I’m marking my territory.

P.S. If my mom reads this blog post… Nah I’m not going to apologize. It’s good advice that even my own mother could follow. She might learn something. Who am I kidding? My mother probably could offer better advice.

P.P.S. If my kids ever read this post: Do not give out any blow jobs until you are married. And you are not allowed to date until you are 37. And if you are thinking, “OMG my mom?” well just be happy I didn’t swallow you and chase it with tequila. You might of lost some potential siblings that way. NO you weren’t adopted.

Older versions of this post can be found on Crumpets and Bollocks and BlogHer

Thank you Juliana Coutinho for the image in one of my pins.

Thank you Skeyndor Cosmética Científica for the featured image.

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